the missing parts...

sorry that i loved you

2012-02-28T15:32:00.002+08:00

♥ ♥ ♥

i'm sorry that i hurt you

sorry that i fell through

sorry i was falling in love with you.

i'm sorry that it came true

but sorry doesnt turn back time

for all that i have done to you

i wish that i could make it right.

so sorry that i loved you

sorry that i needed you

sorry that i held you tight.

Direction mistakes

2012-02-28T00:50:00.001+08:00

I tot things are getting better. But seems like not.

Maybe bcos u are too busy and stress up at work. Ur reply can be as short as 'lol' or 'haha', even when i am asking for a answer. Habit? Maybe u urself haven realise. While i am in the midst of correcting this habit of mine, i have to face it. Retribution, for doing it to other people last time.

Maybe u were too busy in school and life, i cant help thinking, must your thoughts always be like this? Becos u are making things worse for youself. Your 'i am trying' 'i am changing' aint convincing. Not that it is really THAT important to me, at least i dont want to see u torturing yourself.

What about you? Did u realise that people around you aint happy? Whats wrong with you now?! Can i know?

Chan Wan Ting! At the moment, you sucks, as a friend, as a family member. You better pray hard that things will get better.

<3, i cant wait to let u go totally (:

the day has passed.. and i'm officially 21 (:

2012-02-23T18:47:00.001+08:00

All the lovely people who celebrated with me ♥

All my presents! (missing: timbuk2 tote from bro)

yesterday was a super happy day, eliminating her naggings and "cold water" ... Thank you everyone for all the wishes (in advanced to belated) and effort put in to make my day ♥♥♥

as expected, korean food is nice nice nice! kimchi was great~ thank you daddy for the cake surprise and the 'forever love' cookie.. thank you mummy for the necklace and earrings, thank you darling Joan for the camera set and card, thank you dear Joy for the teddy and balloon, thank you Jessica for the waterbottle, thank you the adults for the angpaos, thank you cousin wenyi and 姑姑 for the earrings, thank you susan for the last-min drawn wishes, and thank you everyone who wishes me via sms, whatsapp and facebook.. THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR BEING PRESENT IN MY LIFE ♥

now that i have hit 21, i hope to turn more cheerful, less revengeful, smarter and less possessive. i need to see things in a wider perspective, allowing myself to accept and absorb more. final 2 years of studying, no matter how much i hate studying, i must make it. be it first class or second upper or even second lower class, i must get my degree. this time, it's for myself. not for anyone to see, but for myself, for my future.

amazingly, i dont feel disappointed. maybe becos we are too busy, day passes too fast, too many things in our mind, we tends to be forgetful. right? *awwww, aint i understanding?" LOL.

tagboard reply:
[nu er] wah, surprised! LOL. thanks for being my loyal blog fan. haha! okay! lets plan a exciting day after my papers! with desserts and ice skating n many many more! i'll stay healthy to go out with you!
[laoba] okay! i'll rmb to take a break! (: u take care too! see u soon!

<3

2012-02-16T10:21:00.002+08:00

confused, pissed, negative thoughts..

it simply sucks..
i rather be staying in school everyday

i need to prove to myself that i can survive,
i can get through all this shits.
i am strong enough to support myself..

jiayou for prelims and final for all my friends in UOL.

<3

peace ^^

2012-02-11T11:40:00.001+08:00

port dickson avillion resort sunrise

let me go back to the beach resort again,
let me feel the peace again.
not asking for a lot,
i just want some time alone,
to do reflection,
to think about the rights and wrongs.

suddenly, lots of thoughts came.
dad wants me to stay in singapore for internship.
partly because i seemed worried about the money matter.
i gave up on summer abroad school,
i gave up on oversea internship,
i gave up on oversea corporate program.
the only thing i am able to look at is the nepal community program.
and the pushcart..

prelim is goning to murder me.
gore movie..
need to get over it soon and prepare well for final exam.

能拥有的，就珍惜
想拥有的，就争取
没拥有的，当教训

<3

life..

2012-02-10T13:42:00.002+08:00

sometimes i really do wonder, do people still visit this blog of mine..

firstly, friends! if you happen to see this post and have a blog, do leave me a message on the tagboard.. because i accidentally deleted my old template where all my links are.. so sorry! and thank you! (:

life is gettting very stressful, prelim and final are near.. not much time to rest. slack and you get regretful. lots of things undone, resume for internship, exam practise papers, registration for pushcarts etc etc.. turning 21yo soon, not much expectation, just hope that my sense of responsibility gets better.

looking at how friends live life, i'm pretty curious..

<3

Countdown: 2 days

2011-12-30T12:32:00.001+08:00

A high but achievable target.. The first class honour. Seems like i have to sacrifice a lot. But i will and i must..

2012, a year of studies and friendship..

2011-12-06T21:35:00.001+08:00

Cos u will never understand the feeling of being outcasted (:

Dark corner

2011-12-06T18:32:00.001+08:00

Often do i live in this loner world of mine...

Tho i love it, i know it sucks..

Irritating freak...

2011-12-05T01:36:00.001+08:00

Seems like u always have some other gals around u, so what is there to be worried about?!

Smiles UP!

2011-12-04T01:54:00.001+08:00

Woo, i am sp happy and i love smiling!

<3

Merry marry

2011-11-30T11:17:00.001+08:00

I wanna be your bride(:

<3

Way too far...

2011-11-28T09:41:00.001+08:00

Thanks for being so protective in my dream...

Dark..

2011-11-20T23:38:00.001+08:00

I wanted to explain something.. But will u think it as an excuse?

Sorry..

2011-11-15T21:03:00.001+08:00

Is this the punishment i get for being stubborn and childish?

The one i loved..

2011-11-15T09:44:00.001+08:00

Life feels kinda weird. But i think i m adapting well.. N i m gonna talk to u again, as a friend (:

同花顺

2011-11-14T11:34:00.001+08:00

假如说钢铁磨成针　只要愿意等
只要肯爱得深
是不是就有这可能
有可能打动这铁石心肠的人

-同花顺/ 林倛玉

<3

Shag

2011-11-08T00:31:00.001+08:00

Now i see the tiredness in me. It simply refuse to chase anymore

<3

From pain to numb..

2011-11-04T01:58:00.001+08:00

Because i know u will never read this blog...

忽冷忽热，很好玩吗？
是你感觉不到，还是故意不在乎？
就算不是女朋友，也不必这样吧。
就算只是朋友，也可以好一点吧。
我没有要求很多啊。
你累，难道我就不累吗？！
为什么好像一切是我欠你的？
朋友的关心，你不会给吗？
还是是你不想给？
对，我知道我很厚脸皮，
死缠着你不放，
可是你知道吗，你好绝。
不过你放心，
今晚的对话，让我领悟了。

Becos u cant tell whats wrong,
Maybe u already interpreted in correctly, but simply refuse to accept it.
But if thats ur hint to me, i really got it.
It is a great time anyway.
Thanks a lot for the pain u given me.

<3

Definition

2011-10-29T14:50:00.001+08:00

Someone, please help me define 'more than friends'...

Tyvm

<3

Sorry...

2011-10-28T13:57:00.001+08:00

No why= because there is a reason which i cant tell u...

Please forgive me for being so selfish..

<3

2011-10-23T23:32:00.001+08:00

I really hate that fucking attitude of urs... How nice to be able to get approval by everyone huh. Just get busy with all ur studying n dating k.

Curiousity

2011-10-13T01:44:00.001+08:00

Sometimes, i wish to be able to look through your heart and see the real you. It sucks to be playing guessing game. Sometimes i think i sucks as a friend, not worth your time, even when i try to do my best.

说是「微笑」，不如说是「掩饰」
说是「放下」，不如说是「放手」
说是「理由」，不如说是「借口」
说是「特别」，不如说是「缺点」
说是「羡慕」，不如说是「嫉妒」

There is something i concluded: i have gotten one of the best-est friend in this world (: she's one of the kind-est, nicest, most amazing person i ever met in these 20 years of my life. Sometimes i'll wonder, why did she chose me as fren... I hope she's happy forever.

<3

Tears

2011-10-11T01:29:00.001+08:00

眼泪不该为那种理由而流。

<3

live or leave

2011-10-09T18:49:00.002+08:00

i let you into my heart,
but i was the one who let you leave too.
not because i forced you out,
but simply because you want to..
so i respect your decision.

of course, i wouldn't deny about liking you.
i don't use the word 'love' because i dont know the definition behind it.
i'm not like some girls who do their best to chase a guy,
i'm not as daring, not as brave.

let me smile through the days i have left..
by making everyone around me happy,
by making everyone around me smile,
by making everyone around me be at their best.

smiling on the surface, i mastered it.
within my 20 years of life,
i learnt to tolerate, to talk back,
to refuse, to rebuke, to give in.
this is my family,
i didnt choose it, neither can i choose it
'willingly' is the words
just because: you are my family..

school work is killing me :D
but i'm still going to school, to study :D
i want to hit my aim :D
i want to work hard with her :D
i want to make my family proud of me :D
i want to prove people wrong :D
i love myself :D

<3

cat attack!

2011-10-07T01:18:00.001+08:00

moral of the story for today: don't feed cats with kueh buloh..

and: it is time to train up my stamina.. why? so that next time i can run faster if a cat tries to stalk/chase me again..

<3

believing

2011-10-06T00:53:00.001+08:00

有些事，可遇不可求。
但，有些事，不是白等就会到来的。
不努力，不改变，不进步，
又有谁会抬起头看你一眼?

but you never once know what am i really thinking.
even when i put it so clear and transparent in front of you.

does changing really helps?
if it does. let me know, and i will.
not totally, but at least the slightest bit whenever i can.
because i still want to be myself, the true self.

i'm not like other girls,
i dont giggle with the innocent eyes, i burst out laughing with through happiness.
i dont cry and expect a shoulder, i hate others feeling sad and sympatise me.
i seldom wear skirt, i wear jeans/shorts to walk naturally.
i seldom wear heels, i prefer comfortable shoes so that i can walking miles and miles with you.
i take initiative, i refuse to let chances and opportunities pass by me.
i dont have a perfect figure, i maintain my current situation and trying to get better.
i dont rely on guy, i believe in independence.

but i believe in something, and that is: i really like you..

<3

2011-09-30T19:23:00.003+08:00

can someone please bring me to a beach, a very very very nice beach.
i really wish that i have a personal plane, with a plane license.
a very high target which i wish to hit.
but i know, i'm already working my way through.
studying hard to earn enough money in the future.

stupid boy, i realise how much i miss you sometimes.
but i'll start thinking, whether i've flash past your mind, for even that one second.
studying is killing me, and i need some motivation from you.
but i dare not rant to you. i dare not disturb you.
i dont even wanna let myself think of you,
finding way through to convince myself that studies is most important than relationship in these two years.

i have special people around me, motivating me to study..
1. joan darling: of cos, she's one of the most important one, because we are studying together once again. same sch, same timetable, same module, same aim.
2. joy dear: this gal is full of emo-ish feeling. too stress at home, at studies, at relationship. let go once in a while. trust yourself (:
3. nicolette: this gal has been MIA-ing since a week ago.. kind of worried bout her stress level and management, but i know she's busy, with studies, with exam, with reports..

don't blame someone else when you are doing the same thing yourself. what makes you think that you are that perfect. it's damn irritating to hear such shit. because you are an adult doesnt mean you have the rights to control and order unreasonable craps.

thanks for being such a nice person in front of the adults. cos sometimes i really hate you..
i love the time in school, i love the time alone, i love the time with peace..

<3

2011-09-21T19:47:00.002+08:00

Let me share with you,
How much i can hate you every single moment her mouth opens.

Is it her fault for nagging?
Let me tell you, it's your own fault!
For not understanding our effort to make you a better person.
All you do was to show attitude.
Who isn't irritated by her voice?
Who likes such thing?
But did u realise,
If you werent like this, do you think she will end up like that?

Yes, i failed as a elder sister.
You you failed as a student, as a grandson.
You were unable to understand the reasoning behind all the words she spoke to you.

I'm so sick and tired of all this,
I tried to help you,
I packed out everything for you after shouting and complaining to you so many times.
End up you said all of them were rough papers to be thrown away.
THEN WHY DIDNT YOU JUST THROW EVERYTHING AWAY IN THE FIRST PLACE?!
Don't I know and understand the pain as a student?
Ain't I trying to help you time and again?
Do you even feel grateful?
Do you know the meaning of the word "appreciate"?

Had a peaceful walk outside at the park,
and this amazing little boy who waved at me when he was on his way home.
His innocent smile, waving bye bye to a stranger, really made me so happy.
Thanks little boy. (:

<3

i miss you..

2011-09-17T00:38:00.002+08:00

sigh, i really miss little jriel and jaden a lot..
i wanna play with them, look after them, watch them grow..
that important change in a baby life to a little toddler.

of cos, i miss that stupid guy too..

<3

6D haikou trip

2011-09-15T12:25:00.003+08:00

(i'm so in love with that turtle!!)

i am back from my haikou trip! quite an amazing experience.
of course, going with grandparents, more or less, have a little burden.
travelling and waking up at 6am every morning is tiring.
China is always different, with all the history.
Even a simple and small place, with just a unique meaning and history behind it,
can turn it into a sigh-seeing venue for tourists.
Tour guide is a history-pro.
Coach driver is a speeding-pro.
Grandparents are a pair of quarreling-pro -.-

During the trip, I realised some things.
Some things which didn't come into mind before.
I survived well without a laptop.
I reduced my MP3 usage and volume.
I prayed sincerely, and there was a change in my condition.
I must keep my promise.
I manged to keep my mind off some things.

Coming back with the naggings and embarrassement,
I hid the anger (once again).
without anyone here for me to rant,
back I came, to this blog of mine.
Not a complain, not a single word,
it's time to let things pass again.

Next up in the list:
20th sept: the 1-year-anni with gals.
22nd sept: school reopen
29th sept: joy's birthday
20th oct: Joan's birthday
dec: HK trip! (planning in progress)

grats to you (:

<3

laughters, the missing item in life..

2011-09-04T22:43:00.003+08:00

spend the day at Leisure Park Kallang today! lunched with parents at a chicken rice stall at the basement. followed up by meeting grace and christine. been so long since the 3 of us meet out for a proper outting. headed to the bowling alley for 2 rounds of game. cheerio! grace managed to learn some basic skill in releasing the ball properly. glad i managed to maintain my score of 100-odd, since it has been years since i last played bowling. $4.50 a game (excluding shoes).. next up, ICESKATING! my second time playing, grace's and christine's first.. and YAY! christine and i managed to skate without holding to anything in the end.. and grace managed to let go of the wall ($13 for 2 hours + $3.50 for figures(skates) + $2 for gloves).. lastly, of cos the most important part, is DINNER!! but at kopitiam foodcourt. hahahaha! *super emo that i didnt get to eat my KFC*
trained to dhoby ghaut and grace went off from there. shopped challenger and daiso with christine. the final part without grace.... DESSERT! thanks to christine (:

I'm sorry to be pissing you off. Not that I did it on purpose, but you took my words to seriously, like what I did everytime you talk to me. To the extent that I'll always feel so fuckingly guilty and wants to move out of this house. I miss my own laughter.. I really really miss it, a lot.

<3

2011-08-23T16:41:00.001+08:00

textaphrenia- thinking you have heard or felt a new text message vibration when there's actually no message at all.

i feel this very often.

<3

karma

2011-08-14T15:24:00.003+08:00

The shortest explanation of karma that I know is: 'you get what you give'.
In other words; whatever you do intentionally to others, a similar thing will happen to yourself in the future.
is it true? how many of you do really believe in it?

Aokigahara- the forest at the foot of Mount Fuji, also known as suicide forest.
people go there, to commit suicide, or when they are finding the answer to whether they should end their life. looking at it, a lot of things go through my mind. with this tough training at home, people getting pissed off, people showing black faces, people screaming at each other. why did i always keep quiet after answering back one line? feeling guilty? but keeping silence is already half the battle lose. but shouting back is another problem. commiting suicide doesnt help. commiting suicide makes those around you suffer. no idea if you can see after you have died. soul lingering around ur death area, seeing people crying for you. wont you feel guilty? wont you wanna say sorry? for causing ppl's misery, for causing people to tear.

WARNING: YOU MAY FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE AFTER LOOKING AT THE PHOTOS. WATCH OUT.

death is not the one and only choice.. thank hard, think long, make the right choice, when u have a clear mind. keep positive, smile, you will realise, the world isn't actually that bad.

SMILE :D

<3

i'm still here, waiting...

2011-08-10T10:36:00.004+08:00

please let me know when you change your mind

<3

walking through.

2011-08-07T12:50:00.002+08:00

Lets see!

Went for a jon interview for the position of a marketing admin on thursday. nah, not very well done. because i wasnt well prepared. i managed to get all my documents needed, but my interviewer ended up telling me that he doesn't need them. haha. thanks lor Mister. low chance of getting in, but i really like the experience and the chance to go through a real interview. rushed home after that, took the car key and speed to clementi. waited for grandma, ntuc-ed and went over to da ben dan's house to get my scrub.

Friday, a busy day! harbourfront seoul garden with PSA peeps. chiong to NTSS to return MrGoh books and lastly, Lot 1. for the preparation of elisse's belated bday celebration. some photos, the sincere notes, the hardwork, the effort, the fun (: ended with the laughter and happiness. thanks chanlin for walking me home.thanks joan for the help in the rush, thanks nicolette and elisse for the assurance in this friendship, thanks greg and mingxuan for helping.

caught HP7 on saturday.. like, finally. 4 tickets for the price of 3. wee~ haha. but it isn't nice having a bad headache and a bad rest after that. couldnt really sleep well these few nights, didnt even eat well. ate med twice, but shd be going fine. right?

things at home are getting more and more irritating and complicated. tolerance level near zero. it's so damn tiring. not like i want to nag or rant, but i think i might just explode and commit suicide some day. haha. nah, maybe i wont.. at most only go mad.

thoughts

2011-07-29T00:29:00.004+08:00

sometimes i wonder..

i will keep thinking..

will it be better to not knowing too much?

i didnt't do enough?

didnt u ever fall for me before? not even once?

how i wish, even just in my dream, u can give me a hint..

or like the guy in the show (though a bit too dramatic la), tell me to just give you some more time.

i can answer you, that i can wait.. cos i really dont mind.

but of cos, i dont know if i will fall for another guy.

looking at the people around me, jealousy is no longer around, at most envy.

my fault? i want my sumo too.. but i cant pressure u anymore.

i cant talk and joke about that topic anymore.

i didnt regret.. and i wont (: because i know we are closer, be it whatever kind of relationship..

bridging is finally over.. able to pass i guess *i hope*.

isnt easy to be studying like a crash course, 1 month, 2 modules, 2 papers..

it is a good training for the brain though..

had fun knowing new friends and being back with some existing friends.

econs was pretty interesting, maths was pretty fun to play with.

but netheless, i hope everyone can pass smoothly.

one month before results are release.. time to do some packing up in the room.

two months before sch starts.. reflect, improve, communicate..

改变不了的事实就必须接受，逃避也没用。。

i tried smiling to myself recently, difficult, but necessary.. isn't it?

too small..

2011-06-24T22:47:00.002+08:00

Bridging programme..
it's math, econ, math, econ, math and econs week by week. everyday except sunday.
you'll feel terrible when u start to lost track of what the lecturer is teaching.
the fact that i chose studying over work, i need to work even harder..

alexithymia- difficulty in experiencing, expressing, and describing emotional responses.

understandable? nope, i doubt so..
going to sch every day from monday to saturday,
i make myself look forward to lessons.
i made new friends, i still see a few friends.
school home sch home, that's life..

i miss the time at PSA,
doing work, drinking milo, taking nap, having great chat time..
but i guess it wont be happening again..
at least not within this short period.
hope my two ex-intern buddies are doing well there.
and of cos, the current staffs there..

that day i apologised, and you said there is no need to.
of cos, i was damn relieve when u told me u ain't angry that day.
thank you.

<3

bullshit!

2011-06-20T16:23:00.003+08:00

i admit,

i like someone who i cant have.

i like someone who doesnt like me.

i like someone who has been going against me to prove to me how he detest my liking for him.

now to think back,

do i really still like you?

or was it that i am just unwilling to let go because i didnt get to get you?

but how come it simply hurt so much everytime u shoot me down with ur words.

bullshit about life can go on.

bullshit that things will get better..

bullshit telling people they will feel better..

BULLSHIT!

thanks to you, i end up crying again last night.

thanks to you, heartache appear again after i finally gave up that guy.

thanks to you, i realised how weak i am in relationship, without the rights to choose.

thanks to you, i see the facts of how guys wont like me..

dont think that you know peoople well.

dont think that only what you say are right.

because ur thinking can be so selfish and so extreme..

sometimes the words that comes out of ur months are also CRAP!

<3

vanishing, vanished..

2011-06-17T12:12:00.002+08:00

sometimes, i just really miss you like shit..
sometimes, all i can think of is that i wanna kill you and forget you forever.
but is it possible that we become friends again?
is it possible that we can continue talking?
u say you are hurt,
you think i feel any better?

k, maybe u can just fuck off and make my life better,
dont even try to appear in my dream,
cos it will just make me think more and more.

didnt u ask me to forget you?
ya, okay, i will..
if only i can..
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

lesson is starting next week.
though i already went for econs lecture..
naggy teacher..
3 full hours lesson.
i wont get to slp until 10 anymore next week..
but doesnt matter,
at least i get to slp after lesson :D

no more aerobics,
no more pi-lates..
no more reasons to be there..

other than jessica's wedding,
23th july seems to be another important day.

<3

uoy...

2011-06-14T17:49:00.001+08:00

cantseemstogetoveritwithinashortperiodoftime..
anditsucks..
andalliwantisjusttomoveon...

ihateyou..
butiloveyou...

<3

i used to love these words..

2011-06-11T00:37:00.001+08:00

cos my heart❤ chose to disagree with my brain

idiot you.

2011-06-04T18:03:00.002+08:00

too true..

why in the world did u ask me to forget you in the first place?

it's just so fucking hard.

as if you can forget me..

or maybe, you HAVE TO forget me.. right?

ain't that your mindset.

together, or stranger..

but i have to agree with it..

no grey area is allowed in such scenario anyway.

even if school is gonna start,

and my mind is gonna be kept occupied.

infatuation.. i hope so too.

the 'will' and 'must' needs to be together.

how hard can it get? at least i got 1.5 months to do so.

the next time i see you,

i will smile at you,

and lie through about how happy i was during this period.

20sep2010 to 27may2011...

2011-05-28T23:55:00.003+08:00

27may2011 7pm.. i left PSA..

leaving behind some memories,

remembering all happiness, laughter and fun.

celeste, yongkit, colin, elvin, me, eunice, shilin, leyi, christine.

my best budx in PSA. fellow intern, milo buddy, crazy buddy.. we did a lot of things together. i really love her lots.

the BEST department in PSA, STSD.

candid group photo ^^

xue di, jiayou! (: cheerios to small eyes!!

with friendly CFO and yongkit.

dajie. v^.^

my in-charge, chengkhoon.

"godmother" irene.

THANK YOU EVERYONE.

it is time for the next phase of journey..

embarking...

SMILE BIG!

2011-05-11T21:09:00.002+08:00

ya, it's okay,

but recently, i have been learning,

stand up again, and continue life...

have been weak and crying at small little things..

but i have people like darling and shilin who are pushing me forward.

they always say it's okay to cry, as long as i feel better.

and i always assure them, that i'll be fine.

tolerating ... i dont know if i can train myself up better.

listening... trying to understand what message people are trying to tell me.

moving.. step by step, i path my own future.

doing... i will prove it with my actions..

gonna stop work soon.. time to rest.

nothing much to look forward yet..

SIM LETTER!! PLEASE COME!!

happiness..

2011-04-29T20:05:00.005+08:00

yes, i have been making my own life miserable.

has been rather nasty and mean.

i was emo, i was in a bad mood, i didn't control my emotions correctly.

it seems like it always happen to me.

'it is my fault', 'i'm changing', 'i've to change', 'i'm happier' all these are lies.

i didn't learn to appreciate, that i was given the chance to extend, though it was admin work.

i didn't learn to appreciate, that i had two interns with me for internship, i think i really irritate them sometimes with my temper and emo-ness.

i thought trust is there, but it seems like i was wrong.

ya, my own stupidness to believe that i can tell you things.

did i mention?

actually i am not worried about leaving a bad impression in you.

because if i continue on being good,

i wont know how to face you.

i have to plan and think of my every movements,

every words i wanna speak.

thats so not me.

maybe when i leave and vanish from your life, u will feel a lot a lot better.

words i can't speak, i tot you can read my mind.

actions i did, i tot you can see through it.

nvm, things will over soon.

at least from my point of view. (:

and i hope you will remain happy forever.

worried, very stress.

will the SIM UOL letter ever come?

they mentioned at least one month before lesson starts.. if bridging programme starts in June, shouldn't i be receiving my letter soon?

gave myself a few options..

still have to check on a few private schools like infomatics.

ACCA? some other plans?

i need to be clearer of my future..

leaving 'guys' out of my mind..

being more specific, relationship.

cos i am not worth the time of any guys now,

not that i got any guys wooing me anyway..

getting over you,

i want to, i need to. (:

and my promise to you,

that i wont mention anything about it again.

thanks, for being honest,

but if you ever change your mind,

remember to hint me and let me know about it ,

so that i can again put in my effort and leave no regret.

time to click out with friends more. (:

陳潔儀 - 兄妹

2011-04-24T11:51:00.000+08:00

taiwan trip..

2011-04-23T23:48:00.002+08:00

with all the beautiful memories,

i want to thank everyone..

yongkian: for staying up late with me so many night, for accommodating my timing because i am always so sleepy, for trusting me when i lost confidence in myself, for being patience with me when i lose my temper.

joan: for bathing with me almost every night, for waiting for me to wake up to bathe that night when i fell sleep, for staying beside me when i didnt feel right.

nicolette: for being so enthu about asking me whats wrong that day, for being so tolerance though ur feet were pain.

elisse: for being so enthu, especially when we are in leofoo and night markets. for making us so in love with spongebob.

mingxuan: for helping when i was there without yongkian's help. for reducing my burden in travelling and plannings there.

gregory: for ur positive attitude and all the encouragements, even after we came back.

THANK YOU!

dont worry, i'm changing.

ask, and there is no regret?

2011-04-05T00:26:00.003+08:00

ask, and there is no regret?

not necessary..

ignore, and enjoy life as it is?

is that really 'enjoy'?

whats life with all these choices?

why must we keep making decisions?

since there is no right or wrong, only 'regret' exist..

since it's only a matter of time, why waste the time thinking?

but if no decision was made, how do we know which is the correct path?

finally

2011-04-02T23:02:00.000+08:00

thanks, it's time to move on..

可悲

2011-03-25T19:05:00.004+08:00

have you ever wonder, if 'IF' really exist..

people can predict the world,

will the world be more chaotic because people wants to get what they want before they die,

or will the world be so peaceful because people treasure what they have and choose to do better for the remaining life?

世上没有十全十美，有时也并没有所谓的错与对。

个人的观念，个人的选择，个人的举动。

时机、缘分、勇气，缺一不可。

就算知道了结局，也要固执的继续，结果破坏了规定。

想得太多，不做，对不起自己。

放得太松，为所欲为，对不起对方。

如果，伟大、牺牲，对别人而为是虚伪，

那么，奋不顾身就是件好事？

最后，还不是会令人讨厌。

他妈的，这世界还真是够乱啊。

兄妹

對我好　對我好　好到無路可退
可是我也很想　有個人陪
才不願把你得罪　於是那麼迂迴
一時進　一時退　保持安全範圍
這個陰謀讓我　好慚愧
享受被愛滋味　卻不讓你想入非非

就讓我們虛偽　有感情　別浪費
不能相愛的一對　親愛像兩兄妹
愛讓我們虛偽　我得到　於事無補的安慰
你也得到模仿愛上一個人的機會
殘忍也不失慈悲　這樣的關係你說　多完美

眼看你　看著我　看得那麼曖昧
被愛愛人原來一樣可悲
為什麼竟然防備　別人給我獻媚
不能退　不能要　要了怕你誤會
讓我想起曾經　愛過誰　
我所要的她不給　好像小偷一樣卑微

add on!

2011-02-26T23:58:00.003+08:00

yes, i celebrated my b'day again (:
this is my 2nd bday cake (: thanks to Joan Darling!

a surprise with loopholes! but but but, doesn't matter! cos i still love it.

THANK YOU EVERYONE! (NICOLETTE, JOAN DARLING, GREGORY, DARREN, MINGXUAN, JAMES, ELISSE!)

from elisse and nicolette..

from joan darling and gregory...

p.s: edwin and yongkian! it's okay that you all didnt come :D

~~sometimes, u just fill up my mind.~~

<3

apology doesn't help anymore

2011-02-25T19:04:00.002+08:00

t.h.e w.a.i.t.i.n.g i.s j.u.s.t t.o.o t.e.r.r.i.b.l.e ....

~~THANKS FOR MUCH FOR IT~~

<3

22/02 ... i turn 20..

2011-02-22T23:59:00.002+08:00

YESH! today is 22.feb! it's MY day! (:
thank you everyone for the wishes, via facebook and sms. (not gonna start listing them out)

from my parents. +amex credit card + dad's angpao.

from my aunt and cousin

from korkor

from didi

from chanlin

from grace (烧猪)

+ grandma's angpao.
+ noob's ice cream.
+ grace's cheese cake.
+ chanlin's bday song.
+ dad's dinner treat.

and i saw the two main lead while having dinner at IMM!! so i went ahead and grab the poster too. haha.

had great dinner at Long Beach@IMM.
expected dinner at home though.
but grandma wasnt feeling too well.
so decided to call my bro out for dinner too.
swipe my AMEX credit card.
LOL. felt dam lost when the receipt came.
joke leh. my parents keep laughing at me ):

no matter what, THANK YOU! (:

<3

to: my one and only noob...

2011-02-20T20:46:00.003+08:00

I'm sorry to disappoint you so much.
I'm sorry that I caused you to hate me so much that moment.
I'm sorry I failed as a friend.
I'm sorry that I only think about myself.
I'm sorry that i neglected you too much.
I'm sorry for only doing things my own way, with my own mindset.
I'm sorry for being so selfish.
I'm sorry for not saying the words you want to hear.
I'm sorry for not being by your side when you need me.

I thank you for your understanding all these times.
I thank you for always being there for me when I need you.
I thank you for always listening to me.
I thank you for spending your precious time with me whenever I'm look for you.
I thank you for including me in your prayers when you know I need help.

how I wish I can celebrate my birthday with you..
though I told you that you don't need to.
I was just trying my best to hold my tears back.
that's why all you heard was silence on my side.

I really wanted to tell you on the phone: I miss you too...

<3

thank you

2011-02-16T23:00:00.002+08:00

i am really really really happy today (:

<3

read it upwards (:

2011-01-25T22:38:00.000+08:00

¿pǝƃuɐɥɔ ı ɥɔnɯ ʍoɥ llǝʇ noʎ uɐɔ

˙˙ʇı op oʇ ǝlqɐ ɯɐ ı 'ʇɐɥʇ ǝʌoɹd llıʍ ı 'ʎɐp ǝuo ˙suoıʇɐɹǝdo-oɔ-uı ǝɥʇ llɐ ɥʇıʍ ʇlnɔıɟɟıp sɯǝǝs ʇı ɟı uǝʌǝ ˙ǝuop ʇı ʇǝƃ uɐɔ ı ʇɐɥʇ ǝʌoɹd oʇ ʇuɐʍ ʇsnɾ ı ʇnq ˙ooʇ oʇ ǝɯ ƃuıpɐnsɹǝd ǝɹɐ sʇlnpɐ ǝɥʇ uǝʌǝ uǝɥʍ ʎllɐıɔǝdsǝ 'dn ƃuıʌıƃ ǝʞıl ʇlǝɟ ı

:) ˙sıɥʇ pɐǝɹ oʇ ǝlqɐ ǝq llıʍ oɥʍ ɹǝpuoʍ ı

<3

sometimes, it simply hurts...

2011-01-11T21:08:00.000+08:00

for every single time i try to pull myself back,

i hurt u once.

i force myself to say those words,

to stop things between us from going further.

cos we will regret, we will feel guilty,

for all the beautiful memories we get now.

because future cant be predicted was what you told me.
and i have no choice but to agree.
i dont want to give empty promises,
i push myself to the very extreme limit.
just to keep you happy,
to keep you smiling.
dont force an answer out of me,
dont force a reason out of me.
cos i am still not mature enough to face it all,
cos i am still learning how to handle things.
but trust me, i am growing and trying... (:

<3

对于你。。。

2010-12-20T20:56:00.003+08:00

我发现，

比起面对面，我宁可肩并肩。
因为这样，我才能感觉到那肩膀所给的安全感。
讲话时不能眼对眼又有什么关系？
看着对方，说出的话就是完全真心的吗？不见得。。
有时看不见对方的视线才能说出心里话吧。。。

坐在巴士里，靠着车边，
睡觉时，面对着墙壁。
自己好没安全感。

这些，都变得好清楚、好明显，
都是因为你。。。

缘分

2010-12-04T12:10:00.003+08:00

3-7-pop-stars! + the pirates (rec comm)

poifun 大姐 <3>

cashier uncle! (: + jessica and me..

boss + szewei + jessica + me!

so many things happened,
too many things happened.
but only one word to describe: 妙!

a lot of things in my mind,
which i need to finish processing within months.
decisions need to be made,
life needs to go on.

been a while since i am meeting people.
have no idea why i am not going out either.
but life have been rather tiring.
but i know i have someone special around me. (:

X'MAS IS COMING!

I WANT TO GO TO THE BEACH!!! AAHHHHH!!!!

<3, man, i still love you so... ):

hi-5!

2010-11-27T11:09:00.003+08:00

YAY! DnD'10 rocks! LOL one word to describe everything: funny.totally love it. the whole table,three-seven pop star!our performance, the food, the wine, the rides, the costumes, everything!

what is ~? sperm!
what is ~~~~~? 5 sperms! LOL
shi lin is so gonna slap me. hahaha.

irene ah irene,
shouldnt u gimme some reward?!
i edited ur song for you
and u won ~~1st~~ 2nd place (:

i am still so super hyper :D

unspoken

2010-11-22T21:47:00.004+08:00

to be honest, it wasnt easy to come to a decision. it has been 5 days. ur reasons aint convincing enough. i try to process them in my mind instead. dont like to get affected emotionally, but i guess it wasnt as easy as i thought.

because i am more afraid than you,
because i am more timid than you.
because i cant be honest to you..
i dare not face the consequences if things turn out wrong.
i DONT WANT to face them either.
call me humji, call me sula. i dont care.
i simply hope we can remain happy with each other's company.

at least for now, we can talk a lot
we can share a lot.
at least u wont feel uncomfortable telling me stuff.
everything makes me feel like a fool..

<3

to: 女儿

2010-11-01T22:02:00.002+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CHRISTINE!!

i hope i am wrong.

2010-11-01T22:01:00.000+08:00

because i feel that you like her...

impossible

2010-10-24T00:29:00.002+08:00

in my dream...

<3

let life continue this way..

2010-10-10T12:08:00.003+08:00

i went against rule #4 ...

3rd week of internship is over..
wonder how is everyone.

[6.10.10] met up with xuanyi, shiwei, felix (: - thai express.

[8.10.10] dad is back from thailand

[9.10.10] went for mentoring again after so long. and i totally love it.

life is pretty tiring recently,
but there are still happy memories.
getting used to office life.
the 830 to 630 everyday.
the waking up at 630,
leaving at 705.
lunching at 1,
sleeping by 12...

she has been asking about her.
i didnt answer much.
cos i dont know..
and honestly,
i didnt want to answer much...
no idea why,
but the comparison still exist..

favourite smile

2010-10-02T11:31:00.003+08:00

when life cnt change to be better,
i face it with a smile.
thank you to those who cheer me up,
and talked to me all the while.

feeling so stress at work.
becos with that result,
i doubt i can do well.
tho the workload isnt as heavy,
but i still hope that i wont disappoint any of them.

i dont know if i can still face you,
after dragging so much..
i realise i cant give you the love you want anymore,
because we are in a much different world.
i tried,
i stepped of my own comfort zone,
i thought i can be brave enough to stand alone,
until u stretch out your hand to give me a hold.
but i was wrong,
and only putting my own life at the corner of the cliff,
thinking to step back or to "accidentally" slip and fall.
when you chose to not realise anything,
i know i am already falling of the cliff.
it pretty dumb,
to not do what i am always saying.

cos my heart❤ chose to disagree with my brain

death...

2010-09-26T20:39:00.002+08:00

made the wrong decision,
walk the wrong way.
got questioned,
but managed to escape..

你让我看见所谓的“坦然”。
让我了解了自己多一点。
让我确定了一些实事。

sorry if i end up leaving u out in some plannings...

cos i saw death in my dream...

<3

WTF

2010-09-16T18:52:00.003+08:00

yes.. it was a total WHATTHEFUCK! when i hear it.

"out of this whole big family of 7, only we two old ones are doing all the work. if not this house will be like shit!"

HEY,

i didnt know i am invisible in your eyes.
just because i used that tone to answer you?!
c'mon, u walked out too fast,

i wanted to tell you: YOU USED THIS TONE WHEN U WALKED INTO THE ROOM TO TALK TO ME! THATS WHY I AM ANSWERING YOU LIKE THAT TO SHOW U HOW IRRITATING YOU ARE!

but too bad..
u didnt catch what i am trying to mean.
end up pissing yourself off.
instead, you walked back in again just to scream at me..
and went around slamming stuff...
how come u don't see the mirroring??
i thought you always think that you are capable of everything?
am i suppose to disappear from your life before you can finally feel my existence?
how come you can comment others correctly but not change yourself accordingly?
ya ya ya. i am at fault too.
for replying you and showing you the wrong way..
lets see what is gonna happen next..

ps. someone said i am 'very rude' to him.. i am sorry. but i didn't mean it. but do you even care explaining.

love is not invisible :D everyone can see it...

2010-09-03T17:30:00.002+08:00

MUAHAHAHAHA :D
some things are super visible to others..

2 papers down, 2 more to go ...

argh..
why am i getting that kinda answer from you.
tell me why..
your answers are so irritating. lol.
and yet i still kept asking..
a bit dumb la..

i wanted to blog,
but i realise, i got nothing to type..

<3

-mood swing- no more

2010-08-25T18:59:00.003+08:00

plans screwed, mood screwed.
i dont know what i want to do.

do you know how irritating you are?
all the rejecting and avoiding of qns.
but how come it's happening that way again?
i tot i am suppose to let go.
maybe i did already.
but this friendship is meant to be like that.
i think, at least in my opnion.
but haha, u sucks.
i dont know what i am suppose to do now.
i feel very aimless.
my only aim now,
is to study hard enough..

i love lying.
cos i love you...

<3

wishes will never come true..

2010-08-21T10:49:00.002+08:00

i didnt know i will feel this way
i hope it was a misunderstanding.
i dont wish to find out the truth.
crying alone in the shower,
under the cold water,
i could feel my warm tears.
falling onto the ground beneath the water.
squating and crying out hard.
using the water sound to cover over my weeping sound.

in the bus,
ur reply really triggered my tears.
if you realised it,
how come you didnt mention it.
did you lie on purpose?
or was it that i malign you and you were speaking the truth.
if you think that lying will make me feel better,
den i'm sorry,
but i really fucking hate it.
i did something so wrong,
i should have keep looking out of the window.
two bus journeys,
completely different feelings.
the only same ones were disappointment and emptiness.

yea, maybe i am timid,
all i did was to run away.
to avoid meetings,
to avoid facing you.
maybe i shouldnt even interfere too much.
because it is you,
and not me.

great, i dreamt of that situation continuing,
i dreamt that i almost died.
i dreamt how much i hated you two for your lie.
i dreamt that the fucking me only ran away from the facts instead of asking for the truth.
i dreamt that i will never want to face you again.
i dreamt that i purposely put my life to risk, even if it meant death.
i dreamt that, i wanted to die....

i didnt know i am such a failure,
as a person,
as a friend,
as a girlfriend,
as a granddaughter,
as a daughter.

i hate being so emotional,
irritating people at the same time.
if life allows,
i hope i didnt end up in this world.
at least for this moment.
because i am so lost
and i dont know who to face...

<3

dreams

2010-08-16T06:43:00.003+08:00

woke up almost every hour in the night.
feeling so tired.
couldnt get back to sleep,
especially because of those dreams i had.
specifically remembered two.
one was with my poly friends.
and one was with you.

we got back together.
but the "weird feeling" which i always cant get used to last time,
is totally gone this time in the dream.
i know it's completely wrong.
because in the dream,
you broke up with her because of me.
i know it wont happen in reality.
because i think we dont love each other anymore.
did i even love you enough last time?
i dont think so.
the long, tight hug in the dream,
the interlocking of fingers,
the way i laugh at you in front of another guy,
but you never fail to give in every single time after i say sorry and pull you back,
your arm is there for me to hug when i want to slp.
i didnt know it can feel so real in a dream.
i dont know why i had it.
is it because of the question you asked me that day?
is it because little jriel has been holding my hand with fingers interlock yesterday?
is it because i regret never putting just even a little more effort into our relationship last time?
i dont know.
and i doubt i'll know.
no matter what,
thank you for everything. (:

<3

i am so wrong

2010-08-14T12:18:00.000+08:00

silence shall be the magic potion for today..

if you think that i hurt your feeling, i am sorry, but i am fucking hurt too, in case you dont know because you cant even be bothered about how i will feel when u speak those words of yours..i am so speechless.

i thought you understand after that day's quarrel.. seems like i am wrong.. i think too highly of myself to be able to change you, at least that little bit. but now i know, i wont be able to make it, forever...

3rd post for the day.

2010-08-12T23:44:00.002+08:00

third blog post for the day..

i seriously dunno what's wrong with me..

everything seems wrong...

<3

don't be so good to me..

2010-08-12T14:20:00.001+08:00

one day, you will realise, what hurt the most, is ur ignorance and kindness.

因为你的无知，让我伤得最深

<3

study break post 1 :D

2010-08-12T11:50:00.004+08:00

yes. this was what i felt all along.. end up being too afraid to put in more effort in the love which i used to believe in..

and you know you are the one i always think about..

hi people!
chan wan ting is living well here. (:
though life at home may not always be that fun as in sch,
i know what i want to do and i do them.
wondering how's everyone's revision going.
wondering what are people doing.
wondering if i can finish my studying on time and walk into the exam room confidently.

i feel so good,
looking at you in another angle which i did not last time.
found out that actually things can be like that
if i were to change long ago.
i am not suppose to regret.
and i will not.
because life is so much nicer now.
i see no tears in my eyes.
you taught me to be strong,
indirectly,
with the direction you lead me to,
unknowingly,
i followed and play along,
blindly.
i used to be so scare,
because there is only one of you.
scare of losing,
scare of missing.
everything of you..
how possessive i used to be.
prove to myself that i am wrong.
so slowly, i shall change.
not for the sake of only you, but also myself.
for i should learn how to love properly..

<3

memories to be kept...

2010-08-09T22:12:00.002+08:00

thank you TA01 (:

please let me continue smiling. (:

<3

for you...

2010-08-05T09:16:00.005+08:00

so so so so tired!!!!!!

-----------------------------------------------------------

thank you for the time you spent with me.. i really appreciate them. but it's time for me to let go. i didn't want to, i struggled for very long. but i guess i have to? i thought i will be able to hang on very long, to be there for you, and all along thought that's true love. but i realise, it gets tiring, and i will even wonder myself, is this really love. i force myself to believe, to stay strong for more than one year. yes, one year isn't very long, i shouldn't sound like i had like you for 5 years or 10 years. but you know, you are the first guy which i give in so much, which i hope to give you so much, just to keep you happy and smiling all the way. but did you appreciate? maybe you did, i shouldn't malign you, maybe it's just that you don't know how to express yourself. maybe you did, it might be me being insensitive when i am the one saying you are insensitive. maybe i have been blaming you wrongly, because i always think that you give no respond. but i knew, at some parts, you actually always help me to get the stuff i want, though you didn't want to. is it pride? or something i don't know. it's okay, i gave up waiting for an answer. from you, or from anyone around you. i though by my action, you can catch some hint. real stupid or fake idiot? i really can't tell. can you explain to me? do you really have no feel for me or am i pure stupid to think that you are giving me hope? these 2 years have been a hard one, but trust me, the feeling was so real before. i didnt know i can feel so happy when i see you being happy. that was my one and only aim, to keep you happy and that smile on your face. i wonder if you feel it, there is a person always here, listening to you, accompanying you, when u need a listening ear, be it happy things or sad things or any super lame thing. i got used to staying up late because of you, i got used to reading things on net because of you. i started listening to korean songs because of you (tho i didnt pang seh my chinese songs). you let me know a lot about this world, you make me gain knowledge though some things may be just crap. (: you brought fun into my poly life. even though the rumour may be floating around, but i don't mind, really, just because it's you. i might always ask you to deny, to prove our innocent, but i will really be freaking happy, if you were to admit, even if you did it in a joking tone. now that it has come to an end, i will stay strong, for the decision was made on my own, and i shall not regret. i do hope, we can be friends forever. and if you ever get to know, that i used to have feeling for you, please dont hide away from me. i dont want our relationship to turn sour, because i want to be friends forever.

p.s. you mentioned that you dont want to be the same as the others, now, let me tell you. you are always, the most unique person in my life. because i used to love you, with all my might, and all my heart.

let me end this beautifully alone, by myself..

<3

as the day goes by..

2010-08-04T01:15:00.002+08:00

friends... something which cannot be missing in your one and only life.

being asked to update. haha okay. so i shall.

2.07.2010 (monday)
WISP + Aerospace (with test)
met darling, mingxuan and gregory.
went to btp to rent dvd..
home..
dvd, ps2, dinner!
hope you people enjoyed.

3.07.2010 (tuesday)
swimming at 11 with elisse, nic and joan.
greg joined in after that.
mingxuan came and joined in for lunch at canteen 2.
met edwin after lunch.
Ma tutorial
*saw him and him*
then off to makan place for some snack.
studio27 till 7.
off to btp for dinner.
hawaiian pan regular pizza, curry zazzle, 10 spicy drumlets, soup of the day, pepsi.
ntuc for walk.....
home.

it is the final week of school...
den i realise, it hurt the most...

<3

have a fun trip (:

2010-07-30T10:05:00.002+08:00

after every quarrel,
we learn a little more about each other.
our tone are not right,
our words are so harsh.
but after all these.
we are always one step closer to each other.
(at least, everything ended with a hug)

thank you joan darling for being there with me ytd
thank you ming xuan for sms-ing me. (honoured to receive ur phone's 5000th sms)
thank you xuanyi dear, for email-ing me, to ask about it and being so concern even when u are so far away.
thank you joy baby, shiro, huiting, elisse, dennis and kahbeng, for being so concern about me after see-ing my fb status.

IT IS FRIDAY!!!

~~i am very curious: you really don't care?~~

<3

days and nights

2010-07-29T08:35:00.004+08:00

since when did i started to like the time of being alone in the lib cafe using the computers quietly with just my songs surrounding me?

sunday (27.07.2010)
high fever..
up to 39.2 degree.
seriously sucks.
having the backache, cough, sorethroat, flu, shivering.
went doc, paid $70+
6 kinds of med + 2 days MC
nic came to do afa too.
so sorry, making you travel and doing most of the work.

monday (28.07.2010)
stuck at home
slept almost 3/4 of the whole 24 hours.
missed WISP and aerospace.
nothing much...

tuesday (29.07.2010)
drove didi to sch at 6+am and back
start preparing the documents for bcomm,
practiced with nic.
drove to sch.
came out with a freaking saddening face.
drove the car home,
only to hear my grandma's sacarstic tone.
proceeded to clementi with elisse and nic.
arcade-d a lil.
polyclinic to meet grace.
back to sch for AFA presentation
walked home with ben dan,
with milo and portugese eggtart. (:

wednesday (29.07.2010)
cried early in the morning upon reading the sms.
didnt expect such thing.
couldnt accept the fact that fast.
it took me one full day.
with medication and that news of yours,
the day started terribly.
didnt know the impact can be so so so big.
thank you darling and mingxuan for being there.
audit lecture from 9 to 11.
lunched at pizza hut.
MA lecture from 2 to 4.
THE EYE3 from 4+ to 6.
did some work till 635 and left to mum's workplace
ajisen ramen + nigawa sushi = dinner with mum and bro.
off we went to airport.
home-d at 10+ going 11.
eagerly went online,
only to feel ur 忽冷忽热 again.
which actually sucks to core.
phoned with joan till 2+ before slping

can i ask?
if you notice,
can you please drop me a hint?
it is getting very tiring.
because you cant even be bothered?
because you dont even feel anything for me?
or is it because you are just dam blind?!
fuck this feeling of mine, going for 1 years plus.
and i all i get was this...
but yea,
maybe this is the extent of respond i deserve from you huh?
i shall learn to accept facts and not being affected by them at the same time
since this is life.
i didnt do enough?
or am i just trying to hard that i am already doing it so obvious and disturbing your current life?
why is everyone encouraging me to take that step
and yet it's only you, showing me the opposite way?
is that the hint?
that i should give up?
cos all you did was to run away from it.
dont expect too much from a gal who is tired of giving without return already.
pretty obvious that you already feel it.
cos your attitude towards some stuff already change.
if it was the old you,
that reply wouldnt be the same.
and, it would be directly the opposite way.
because i know,
because i want.
that i took notice,
of even those minor changes you made.
maybe i shouldnt be too sensetive.
maybe you are just changing,
to suit the gal you like.
which is definately not me..

if tears can solve all problem, i wouldnt mind crying the whole night.
~~cos i think, i really love you..~~

<3

finding in progress...

2010-07-23T19:06:00.000+08:00

still finding (:

<3

the notes i am playing..

2010-07-19T22:14:00.000+08:00

do you even understand?

<3

yes, i am.

2010-07-14T21:11:00.001+08:00

i didnt know even after crying,
it can still hurt so much..

i tot,
i am suppose to,
and i need to.

i am ~~not~~ numb to it..

<3

暧昧

2010-07-13T09:09:00.003+08:00

暧昧是，你会常常在MSN等他上线，每当他几天没上线，你会开始担心。

暧昧是，你会不时去留意他的Info看看有没有更新，且留意字里行间，他对你有没有什么暗示。

暧昧是，有感觉，然而，这种感觉不足以叫你们切切实实的发展一段正式的关系。

暧昧是，明白人生有太多无奈，现实有太多限制，知道不可能，但却又不舍得放手。

暧昧是，有进一步的冲动，却没有进一步的勇气。

暧昧是，他不是你的情人，但似乎他比你的情人更关心、了解你。

暧昧是，你会编一条围巾给他，但大家从没有开始过。

暧昧是，虽然他不是你的情人，但他却会对你说：「你对我是十分重要的。」

暧昧是，你感冒时，有一个会在晚上打电话来，特意提醒你服药，叫你盖好棉被、早点睡的普通朋友。

暧昧是，当你遇到问题解决不了，找不到男女朋友的时候，你第一个会想到的人。

暧昧是，每当他提及他的另一半时，你就会感到万箭穿心。

暧昧是，为了逃避背叛的罪恶感。

暧昧是，甜津津又同时酸溜溜的，往往从未开始，已叫人不安，患得患失。

暧昧是，别人以为你们在搞地下情时，你会沾沾自喜。

暧昧是，别人问你们是否在恋爱中，你张口结舌。

暧昧是，常常挣扎表不表白，怕表白之后，既得不到一个情人，又失去了一个知心好友。

暧昧是，见他到时，你会心跳，见不到时，会挂念他。

暧昧是，两个人都互相猜测，他是不是已经暗示了什么？我是不是自作多情？

暧昧是，每天都会聊MSN，间中会互传手机简讯，无规律的偶然约会。

暧昧是，除了情人节外，在大时大节和生日，大家都会交换礼物。在外地的时候，你总会记得买礼物给他，他有时煮了甜品，也会预你一份。

暧昧是，你很想多走一步，又怕会吓坏了他。你会很小心流露自己的感情，忍不住不去着紧他，又怕他知道你着紧。

暧昧是，两个人没有承诺过什么，虽然如此，你愿意付出的，比有承诺的情侣更多。没有责任，却很渴望去承担，不问回报。

暧昧是，一瞬间的Disequilibrium。

（http://zhidao.baidu.com/question/2099003）

我发现，我们曾经处于在暧昧阶段。可是因为我的脆弱，我决定放手，让一切回到最初的源点。有时，好害怕听到事实，因为，我知道，你从来没有喜欢过我。一个人支撑着，虽然会快乐，但也有疲倦的时候。如果，你明白，那么，告诉我，我们可以继续暧昧，直到，你找到你真正的女朋友吧。因为，我愿意先代替她，为你付出。这就叫做，一厢情；简称：笨蛋。

guy/gal

2010-07-08T20:47:00.002+08:00

i am trying to help
but it seems like it dont work
i think i'm doing things i shouldnt do
so i shall stop what i am doing some things
i keep quiet
doesnt mean i dont mind
doesnt mean i am not hurt
i speak out loud
is to cover the fear i have inside me
i shut up
is to not affect your mood too.

but if you understand,
the main point is..
i am a gal too..

<3

big mistake.

2010-07-03T12:02:00.002+08:00

since i was an accident,
why didnt you just let go of me 19 years ago.
i rather i dont exist.
giving lesser problems at home
facing lesser problems at home
giving lesser stress to my frens in all way
giving lesser responsibility to everyone
if my existence was such a mistake and unexpected,
why did you give birth to me.
should i apologise about my existence?
should i end it just for peace in the family?
i couldnt do anything.

waking up in the morning,
due to your screaming.
just because i didnt slp early on those nights u did spotcheck
u assume i slept late last night too.
but woman, do you know, i slept as early as 10am last night.
i wanted to open my mouth.
but did you realise,
i couldnt even speak loud enough for you to hear.
no, u didnt.
instead, you asked me to speak up and answer you when u question me.
you think i was ignoring you,
when my mouth was already opened and speaking.
you walked pass me and even talked to me.
cant you see i am already eating.
all you did was to shout at me and ask me why i didnt wash the plates in the sink.
i am using my laptop.
the things on my screen aint even moving.
and all you bother asking is whether i am watching video.
i suppose you are not dumb enough to not know that videos are shows with clips moving!
and can you stop touching the things in my room.
they are not yours.
and i dont plan to make them urs.
so stop touching my things,
thinking that i dont need them
and using them urself.
if you wanna touch, pls put them back at the same place.
because it is not your things
and only i know where they belongs
so that i can find them easily.
you claim that you know how stressful sch are nowadays.
but do you wanna know, i almost failed my paper?
i didnt tell you a single stuff.
cos i felt so ashame.
but i guess, u expected such results from me, dont you?
since when did my results make you happy.
since when were you happy with me.
none of the time.
at least, after grandpa scolded,
he knows how to appreciate the stuffs i did.
GENDER DISCRIMINATION IS ALL YOU KNOW.

<3

2Ts=toilet and tears.

2010-06-30T09:36:00.000+08:00

the nightmare week..
it's only the start..

<3

happiness

2010-06-25T09:44:00.002+08:00

what am i suppose to do when i am facing you.
what kind of reaction am i suppose to show.
u saw the expression on my face.
you know that i'm unhappy.
but you chose to ignore my feeling.
you know that i am unset.
but you chose to ignore me.
you dont give a damn about other ppl.
you try to rule the world.
even outsiders who step into your territory.
hinting you once and again.
you catch it. but u heck it.
pray hard that you wont die in pain.
because i know, you wont die in peace.
sincerely hope that you will learn your lesson one day.
that screaming doesnt help
that demanding doesnt help
that ordering doesnt help.
your unreasonable reasoning
your deafening shouting
your mind is only full of you and yourself.
tell me,
how can i cure you?
there is no one in this world who can control you i suppose?
since you are always saying that you are scare of no one.

if only i can get out of this place
if only i can be strong enough
if only i can be brave enough
will you let me go?

i dont give a damn about this family anymore.
keeping quiet is my best way of living.
push me some more,
and the next place you can see me,
will be at my funeral..

<3

sorry.. (to all my proj mates)

2010-06-23T15:37:00.001+08:00

if only i did my reading the beforehand
if only i managed to figure out those simple stuff myself
if only i know how to help

maybe i wont be feeling so guilty...

i am sorry..

<3

dude ):

2010-06-09T12:43:00.001+08:00

[[你从不知道，我想做的不只是朋友。。。]]

<3

picture just for u!

2010-06-08T11:48:00.002+08:00

(for my darling who study until she dont even come online)

-我宁愿把爱藏在心里，和你做一辈子的朋友，也不想和你做短暂的情人。
can u understand, my boy..

<3

screwed to the max..

2010-06-07T19:41:00.001+08:00

fuck.
this feeling sucks.
and i hate it to core..

<3

shag..

2010-06-02T20:04:00.003+08:00

super tired.
super shag.
no motivation.
no aim.

sucks..

~~can you tell him for me?~~

<3

moody..

2010-05-31T20:49:00.003+08:00

what a day...
woke up late..
mum said she tried waking me up..
but i felt nothing at all..
printed wisp with citations..
cabbed to sch..
stare at people lunch. lol..
aerospace..
"cheating" open-book quiz..
makan makan makan..
chat chat chat..
hand in wisp...
HOME..

nothing will remains the same.

<3

thank you (:

2010-05-30T22:12:00.001+08:00

thank you for walking by my side.
thank you for accompanying me.
thank you for not denying.
-to my fake bf

-dont try to make use of me.-

<3

22.05.2010 NAVY OPENHOUSE!

2010-05-23T22:54:00.004+08:00

WHOOSH! finally, i got to go for navy openhouse!!!!

some photos 1st:

because that guy is so so so so camera-shy, i only hv like, 3 of his photos. nvm, anyway! i hope they had a great time there too. sorry, make joan(darling) so hungry there. she must be feeling dam terrible. heng heng i got the pack of soy bean drink for her :D anyway, met yc(noob) at ard 1120. trained down to meet darling at tiong. mrt down allllll the way to expo. of cos, out came my camera and click click click wadeva i see. hahaha. see and got to know lots of stuff. and how heavy their weapons are. boarded a ship call endeavous. freaking big. came out at ard 4. ate BK@ expo. i know darling dam tempted to eat the fiery spicy. next time k? i promise. went to see the indonesia day in one of the hall after that. spotted this orange lamborghini inside. haha. after that went to dhoby ghaut arcade. den bus-ed home with darling. did something stupid on the bus. lol.

THANK YOU DARLING AND NOOB FOR GOING NAVY OPENHOUSE WITH ME!

PLEASE REMEMBER OUR PROMISES FOR NEXT YEAR'S AIR FORCE OPENHOUSE!

P.S: NOOB'S PHOTOGRAPHY SKILL IS LOUSYYYYY. LOL. (jk)

existing, but blocked off..

2010-05-21T22:48:00.002+08:00

i see the sun, but it's behind the clouds.

i didnt know i can still miss you so much even after letting u go..

~~but i am not crying. (:~~

<3

lost...

2010-05-20T22:45:00.001+08:00

seems lost.
very lost.
about life...

i thank you all my frens for being there with me.

<3