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hello, chanwanting♥ here. 22yo this year. a gal who is trying hard to change herself to get a better life..


Exam Time Table




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Words from Before It's Too Late by Goo Goo Dolls.

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Friday, July 30, 2010
have a fun trip (:



after every quarrel,
we learn a little more about each other.
our tone are not right,
our words are so harsh.
but after all these.
we are always one step closer to each other.
(at least, everything ended with a hug)

thank you joan darling for being there with me ytd
thank you ming xuan for sms-ing me. (honoured to receive ur phone's 5000th sms)
thank you xuanyi dear, for email-ing me, to ask about it and being so concern even when u are so far away.
thank you joy baby, shiro, huiting, elisse, dennis and kahbeng, for being so concern about me after see-ing my fb status.

IT IS FRIDAY!!!

i am very curious: you really don't care?

<3

Thursday, July 29, 2010
days and nights

since when did i started to like the time of being alone in the lib cafe using the computers quietly with just my songs surrounding me?

sunday (27.07.2010)
high fever..
up to 39.2 degree.
seriously sucks.
having the backache, cough, sorethroat, flu, shivering.
went doc, paid $70+
6 kinds of med + 2 days MC
nic came to do afa too.
so sorry, making you travel and doing most of the work.

monday (28.07.2010)
stuck at home
slept almost 3/4 of the whole 24 hours.
missed WISP and aerospace.
nothing much...

tuesday (29.07.2010)
drove didi to sch at 6+am and back
start preparing the documents for bcomm,
practiced with nic.
drove to sch.
came out with a freaking saddening face.
drove the car home,
only to hear my grandma's sacarstic tone.
proceeded to clementi with elisse and nic.
arcade-d a lil.
polyclinic to meet grace.
back to sch for AFA presentation
walked home with ben dan,
with milo and portugese eggtart. (:

wednesday (29.07.2010)
cried early in the morning upon reading the sms.
didnt expect such thing.
couldnt accept the fact that fast.
it took me one full day.
with medication and that news of yours,
the day started terribly.
didnt know the impact can be so so so big.
thank you darling and mingxuan for being there.
audit lecture from 9 to 11.
lunched at pizza hut.
MA lecture from 2 to 4.
THE EYE3 from 4+ to 6.
did some work till 635 and left to mum's workplace
ajisen ramen + nigawa sushi = dinner with mum and bro.
off we went to airport.
home-d at 10+ going 11.
eagerly went online,
only to feel ur 忽冷忽热 again.
which actually sucks to core.
phoned with joan till 2+ before slping

can i ask?
if you notice,
can you please drop me a hint?
it is getting very tiring.
because you cant even be bothered?
because you dont even feel anything for me?
or is it because you are just dam blind?!
fuck this feeling of mine, going for 1 years plus.
and i all i get was this...
but yea,
maybe this is the extent of respond i deserve from you huh?
i shall learn to accept facts and not being affected by them at the same time
since this is life.
i didnt do enough?
or am i just trying to hard that i am already doing it so obvious and disturbing your current life?
why is everyone encouraging me to take that step
and yet it's only you, showing me the opposite way?
is that the hint?
that i should give up?
cos all you did was to run away from it.
dont expect too much from a gal who is tired of giving without return already.
pretty obvious that you already feel it.
cos your attitude towards some stuff already change.
if it was the old you,
that reply wouldnt be the same.
and, it would be directly the opposite way.
because i know,
because i want.
that i took notice,
of even those minor changes you made.
maybe i shouldnt be too sensetive.
maybe you are just changing,
to suit the gal you like.
which is definately not me..

if tears can solve all problem, i wouldnt mind crying the whole night.
cos i think, i really love you..

<3

Friday, July 23, 2010
finding in progress...



still finding (:

<3

Monday, July 19, 2010
the notes i am playing..



do you even understand?

<3

Wednesday, July 14, 2010
yes, i am.

i didnt know even after crying,
it can still hurt so much..

i tot,
i am suppose to,
and i need to.

i am not numb to it..

<3

Tuesday, July 13, 2010
暧昧

暧昧是,你会常常在MSN等他上线,每当他几天没上线,你会开始担心。

暧昧是,你会不时去留意他的Info看看有没有更新,且留意字里行间,他对你有没有什么暗示。

暧昧是,有感觉,然而,这种感觉不足以叫你们切切实实的发展一段正式的关系。

暧昧是,明白人生有太多无奈,现实有太多限制,知道不可能,但却又不 舍得放手。

暧昧是,有进一步的冲动,却没有进一步的勇气。

暧昧是,他不是你的情人,但似乎他比你的情人更关心、了解你。

暧昧是,你会编一条围巾给他,但大家从没有开始过。

暧昧是,虽然他不是你的情人,但他却会对你说:「你对我是十分重要的。」

暧昧是,你感冒时,有一个会在晚上打电话来,特意提醒你服药 ,叫你盖好棉被、早点睡的普通朋友。

暧昧是,当你遇到问题解决不了,找不到男女朋友的时候,你第一个会想到的人。

暧昧是,每当他提及他的另一半时,你就会感到万箭穿心。

暧昧是,为了逃避背叛的罪恶感。

暧昧是,甜津津又同时酸溜溜的,往往从未开始,已叫人不安,患得患失。

暧昧是,别人以为你们在搞地下情时,你会沾沾自喜。

暧昧是,别人问你们是否在恋爱中,你张口结舌。

暧昧是,常常挣扎表不表白,怕表白之后,既得不到一个情人,又失去了一个知心好友。

暧昧是,见他到时,你会心跳,见不到时,会挂念他。

暧昧是,两个人都互相猜测,他是不是已经暗示了什么?我是不是自作多情?

暧昧是,每天都会聊MSN,间中会互传手机简讯,无规律的偶然约会。

暧昧是,除了情人节外,在大时大节和生日,大家都会交换礼物。在外地的时候,你总会记得买礼物给他,他有时煮了甜品,也会预你一份。

暧昧是,你很想多走一步,又怕会吓坏了他。你会很小心流露自己的感情,忍不住不去着紧他,又怕他知道你着紧。

暧昧是,两个人没有承诺过什么,虽然如此,你愿意付出的,比有承诺的情侣更多。没有责任,却很渴望去承担,不问回报。

暧昧是,一瞬间的Disequilibrium。

http://zhidao.baidu.com/question/2099003

我发现,我们曾经处于在暧昧阶段。可是因为我的脆弱,我决定放手,让一切回到最初的源点。有时,好害怕听到事实,因为,我知道,你从来没有喜欢过我。一个人支撑着, 虽然会快乐,但也有疲倦的时候。如果,你明白,那么,告诉我,我们可以继续暧昧,直到,你找到你真正的女朋友吧。 因为,我愿意先代替她,为你付出。这就叫做,一厢情;简称:笨蛋。

<3


Thursday, July 8, 2010
guy/gal

i am trying to help
but it seems like it dont work
i think i'm doing things i shouldnt do
so i shall stop what i am doing some things
i keep quiet
doesnt mean i dont mind
doesnt mean i am not hurt
i speak out loud
is to cover the fear i have inside me
i shut up
is to not affect your mood too.

but if you understand,
the main point is..
i am a gal too..

<3

Saturday, July 3, 2010
big mistake.

since i was an accident,
why didnt you just let go of me 19 years ago.
i rather i dont exist.
giving lesser problems at home
facing lesser problems at home
giving lesser stress to my frens in all way
giving lesser responsibility to everyone
if my existence was such a mistake and unexpected,
why did you give birth to me.
should i apologise about my existence?
should i end it just for peace in the family?
i couldnt do anything.

waking up in the morning,
due to your screaming.
just because i didnt slp early on those nights u did spotcheck
u assume i slept late last night too.
but woman, do you know, i slept as early as 10am last night.
i wanted to open my mouth.
but did you realise,
i couldnt even speak loud enough for you to hear.
no, u didnt.
instead, you asked me to speak up and answer you when u question me.
you think i was ignoring you,
when my mouth was already opened and speaking.
you walked pass me and even talked to me.
cant you see i am already eating.
all you did was to shout at me and ask me why i didnt wash the plates in the sink.
i am using my laptop.
the things on my screen aint even moving.
and all you bother asking is whether i am watching video.
i suppose you are not dumb enough to not know that videos are shows with clips moving!
and can you stop touching the things in my room.
they are not yours.
and i dont plan to make them urs.
so stop touching my things,
thinking that i dont need them
and using them urself.
if you wanna touch, pls put them back at the same place.
because it is not your things
and only i know where they belongs
so that i can find them easily.
you claim that you know how stressful sch are nowadays.
but do you wanna know, i almost failed my paper?
i didnt tell you a single stuff.
cos i felt so ashame.
but i guess, u expected such results from me, dont you?
since when did my results make you happy.
since when were you happy with me.
none of the time.
at least, after grandpa scolded,
he knows how to appreciate the stuffs i did.
GENDER DISCRIMINATION IS ALL YOU KNOW.

<3