♥ the memories ♥

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

-mood swing- no more

plans screwed, mood screwed.
i dont know what i want to do.

do you know how irritating you are?
all the rejecting and avoiding of qns.
but how come it's happening that way again?
i tot i am suppose to let go.
maybe i did already.
but this friendship is meant to be like that.
i think, at least in my opnion.
but haha, u sucks.
i dont know what i am suppose to do now.
i feel very aimless.
my only aim now,
is to study hard enough..

i love lying.
cos i love you...

<3

Saturday, August 21, 2010

wishes will never come true..

i didnt know i will feel this way
i hope it was a misunderstanding.
i dont wish to find out the truth.
crying alone in the shower,
under the cold water,
i could feel my warm tears.
falling onto the ground beneath the water.
squating and crying out hard.
using the water sound to cover over my weeping sound.

in the bus,
ur reply really triggered my tears.
if you realised it,
how come you didnt mention it.
did you lie on purpose?
or was it that i malign you and you were speaking the truth.
if you think that lying will make me feel better,
den i'm sorry,
but i really fucking hate it.
i did something so wrong,
i should have keep looking out of the window.
two bus journeys,
completely different feelings.
the only same ones were disappointment and emptiness.

yea, maybe i am timid,
all i did was to run away.
to avoid meetings,
to avoid facing you.
maybe i shouldnt even interfere too much.
because it is you,
and not me.

great, i dreamt of that situation continuing,
i dreamt that i almost died.
i dreamt how much i hated you two for your lie.
i dreamt that the fucking me only ran away from the facts instead of asking for the truth.
i dreamt that i will never want to face you again.
i dreamt that i purposely put my life to risk, even if it meant death.
i dreamt that, i wanted to die....

i didnt know i am such a failure,
as a person,
as a friend,
as a girlfriend,
as a granddaughter,
as a daughter.

i hate being so emotional,
irritating people at the same time.
if life allows,
i hope i didnt end up in this world.
at least for this moment.
because i am so lost
and i dont know who to face...

<3

Monday, August 16, 2010

dreams

woke up almost every hour in the night.
feeling so tired.
couldnt get back to sleep,
especially because of those dreams i had.
specifically remembered two.
one was with my poly friends.
and one was with you.

we got back together.
but the "weird feeling" which i always cant get used to last time,
is totally gone this time in the dream.
i know it's completely wrong.
because in the dream,
you broke up with her because of me.
i know it wont happen in reality.
because i think we dont love each other anymore.
did i even love you enough last time?
i dont think so.
the long, tight hug in the dream,
the interlocking of fingers,
the way i laugh at you in front of another guy,
but you never fail to give in every single time after i say sorry and pull you back,
your arm is there for me to hug when i want to slp.
i didnt know it can feel so real in a dream.
i dont know why i had it.
is it because of the question you asked me that day?
is it because little jriel has been holding my hand with fingers interlock yesterday?
is it because i regret never putting just even a little more effort into our relationship last time?
i dont know.
and i doubt i'll know.
no matter what,
thank you for everything. (:

<3

Saturday, August 14, 2010

i am so wrong

silence shall be the magic potion for today..

if you think that i hurt your feeling, i am sorry, but i am fucking hurt too, in case you dont know because you cant even be bothered about how i will feel when u speak those words of yours..i am so speechless.

i thought you understand after that day's quarrel.. seems like i am wrong.. i think too highly of myself to be able to change you, at least that little bit. but now i know, i wont be able to make it, forever...

Thursday, August 12, 2010

3rd post for the day.

third blog post for the day..

i seriously dunno what's wrong with me..

everything seems wrong...

<3

don't be so good to me..

one day, you will realise, what hurt the most, is ur ignorance and kindness.

因为你的无知，让我伤得最深

<3

study break post 1 :D

yes. this was what i felt all along.. end up being too afraid to put in more effort in the love which i used to believe in..

and you know you are the one i always think about..

hi people!
chan wan ting is living well here. (:
though life at home may not always be that fun as in sch,
i know what i want to do and i do them.
wondering how's everyone's revision going.
wondering what are people doing.
wondering if i can finish my studying on time and walk into the exam room confidently.

i feel so good,
looking at you in another angle which i did not last time.
found out that actually things can be like that
if i were to change long ago.
i am not suppose to regret.
and i will not.
because life is so much nicer now.
i see no tears in my eyes.
you taught me to be strong,
indirectly,
with the direction you lead me to,
unknowingly,
i followed and play along,
blindly.
i used to be so scare,
because there is only one of you.
scare of losing,
scare of missing.
everything of you..
how possessive i used to be.
prove to myself that i am wrong.
so slowly, i shall change.
not for the sake of only you, but also myself.
for i should learn how to love properly..

<3

Monday, August 9, 2010

memories to be kept...

thank you TA01 (:

please let me continue smiling. (:

<3

Thursday, August 5, 2010

for you...

so so so so tired!!!!!!

-----------------------------------------------------------

thank you for the time you spent with me.. i really appreciate them. but it's time for me to let go. i didn't want to, i struggled for very long. but i guess i have to? i thought i will be able to hang on very long, to be there for you, and all along thought that's true love. but i realise, it gets tiring, and i will even wonder myself, is this really love. i force myself to believe, to stay strong for more than one year. yes, one year isn't very long, i shouldn't sound like i had like you for 5 years or 10 years. but you know, you are the first guy which i give in so much, which i hope to give you so much, just to keep you happy and smiling all the way. but did you appreciate? maybe you did, i shouldn't malign you, maybe it's just that you don't know how to express yourself. maybe you did, it might be me being insensitive when i am the one saying you are insensitive. maybe i have been blaming you wrongly, because i always think that you give no respond. but i knew, at some parts, you actually always help me to get the stuff i want, though you didn't want to. is it pride? or something i don't know. it's okay, i gave up waiting for an answer. from you, or from anyone around you. i though by my action, you can catch some hint. real stupid or fake idiot? i really can't tell. can you explain to me? do you really have no feel for me or am i pure stupid to think that you are giving me hope? these 2 years have been a hard one, but trust me, the feeling was so real before. i didnt know i can feel so happy when i see you being happy. that was my one and only aim, to keep you happy and that smile on your face. i wonder if you feel it, there is a person always here, listening to you, accompanying you, when u need a listening ear, be it happy things or sad things or any super lame thing. i got used to staying up late because of you, i got used to reading things on net because of you. i started listening to korean songs because of you (tho i didnt pang seh my chinese songs). you let me know a lot about this world, you make me gain knowledge though some things may be just crap. (: you brought fun into my poly life. even though the rumour may be floating around, but i don't mind, really, just because it's you. i might always ask you to deny, to prove our innocent, but i will really be freaking happy, if you were to admit, even if you did it in a joking tone. now that it has come to an end, i will stay strong, for the decision was made on my own, and i shall not regret. i do hope, we can be friends forever. and if you ever get to know, that i used to have feeling for you, please dont hide away from me. i dont want our relationship to turn sour, because i want to be friends forever.

p.s. you mentioned that you dont want to be the same as the others, now, let me tell you. you are always, the most unique person in my life. because i used to love you, with all my might, and all my heart.

let me end this beautifully alone, by myself..

<3

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

as the day goes by..

friends... something which cannot be missing in your one and only life.

being asked to update. haha okay. so i shall.

2.07.2010 (monday)
WISP + Aerospace (with test)
met darling, mingxuan and gregory.
went to btp to rent dvd..
home..
dvd, ps2, dinner!
hope you people enjoyed.

3.07.2010 (tuesday)
swimming at 11 with elisse, nic and joan.
greg joined in after that.
mingxuan came and joined in for lunch at canteen 2.
met edwin after lunch.
Ma tutorial
*saw him and him*
then off to makan place for some snack.
studio27 till 7.
off to btp for dinner.
hawaiian pan regular pizza, curry zazzle, 10 spicy drumlets, soup of the day, pepsi.
ntuc for walk.....
home.

it is the final week of school...
den i realise, it hurt the most...

<3